Oh my goodness so much slacking. Dumb college. Okay, so I’m sorry, I’m really failing at this whole keeping up with my blog thing because I just get so busy and priorities man. But I’m blogging now so that’s all that counts.
I feel awkward alot. Like alot. Like that really realistic dream where you find yourself standing in front of the world in your underwear awkward. Sometimes I’ll be talking to someone for the first time and I’ll try and be like a normal person and socialize like a normal person but I end up saying something like, “Today is the eleventh. One time I had eleven cups of coffee in one day. Elevens a weird number. It’s right between ten and twelve. I want eleven doughnuts right now.” That is very very close to something I actually said before. Then people just look at me and don’t really respond and after they walk away I start literally talking to myself out loud about how awkward I am. I’m painfully self aware.
I hate when people think that they’re above other people, but in reality we all do that. We all think to ourselves, “At least I’m not as weird as that one weird kid who weirdly did that one weird thing.” We set our standards at a certain level, usually at the same level we see ourselves, and if someone doesn’t quite qualify, we act like they don’t exist. I do this. I find myself being compelled to go up to someone and say something encouraging that I know they would like to hear, but I stop myself because I don’t really know that person. That’s weird, right? But no, it doesn’t have to be. I need to get that through my head.
When I was younger I used to feel invisible. In social situations where I didn’t know anyone, I wouldn’t say a word. Not one word. I was afraid of being judged. By not talking, no one judged me, but no one got to know me either. I hated youth group in middle school. I didn’t feel welcome, I felt alone. Now that I’m older, it’s easier to shed my anti-social shell when I feel like it. But I’m still wildly insecure when I’m somewhere where I don’t know anyone. I fear rejection. Everyone does, right? I’m beginning to realize though that if you go through life being invisible, what’s the point? Before you know it five years has gone by and your life hasn’t changed not even a little bit. I can call myself anti-social, but the truth is I’m afraid. I’m basically stuck in a shell of fear. And it’s as awful as it sounds. Comfort isn’t worth loneliness. Ight?
Crap I’m being preachy again. Soooo many apologies, but I just feel like I need to share that you don’t need to be afraid. The people who think they’re above you aren’t. Honestly guys no one is better than anyone. We’re all humans who have human feelings and human emotions and human thoughts and if we really tried, we could all identify with each other on at least 27 levels. So I’m going to try to do that, and I think that everyone should try with me pleeeaassee.
End of preachyness.
Do I talk about myself too much in my blogs? Is that why I find myself not wanting to blog? Gah probably. The first part of my post is usually preachy and the second part is usually really random or about food or monkeys or Zanzibar or something. Well this post will be no different. In the future though I’ll be less predictable. It was probably predictable that I would say that. Whatevs man.
So it’s finally fall, and that makes me really happy. The trees all change color and the air gets crisp and pumpkins and apples dominate food and drink and it’s a good time. Are corn mazes overrated? The only time I ever tried to navigate one, it was dark. And cold. And raining. So that was loads and loads of fun.
I use my phone alot. Supposedly our brains are not meant to multitask 24/7 and technology is making us antisocial and dumb. Despite all these warnings, I continue to use my phone alot. If you’re like me, you can see all the statistical data in the world and pie charts and bar graphs and all other sorts of graphy charty things and not care because you don’t see it causing problems in your life. With college and everything, I’m starting to see that constant distraction is having a negative affect on this whole good grades sleep thing. So I have to come up with a better system, one where I focus on homework.
Homework is definitely more overrated than corn mazes.
Guys dudes bros do you know what’s crazy? How our bodies are made. Our brain named itself. And knows that it exists. We’re self aware. Somehow.
Oh my lanta I just accidentally (I just spelled accidentally wrong at least ten times) clicked on something and I thought I lost every-frackin-thang that I just wrote and I would have rage quit blogging and went back to eating chocolate covered espresso beans. Espresso doesn’t have an X in it, don’t let your brain trick you.
Okay so anyways I’ll blog more soon. Today I came to kick words and chew gum, and I hate gum soooooo I’m going to actually try and start writing a book now because caffeine (HIGH FIVE)