2 AM

I spend a lot of time watching other people live. Like a lot of time. Maybe it’s because I don’t really know how to live myself. Maybe I’m afraid to. I mean it’s possible. I’m afraid of a lot of things.

Spiders.
The dark.
Spiders in the dark.
Rejection.
Rejection.
Rejection.
Being alone.
Being alone in the dark getting rejected by a spider.

So I’m stuck in a rut which is never a good thing. Well actually I wouldn’t mind being stuck in a rut where I woke up in the morning to go to a job I love and then everyday at lunch I eat various things with avocado in them and then I go home to a loving husband and we take turns cooking various dinners with avocado in them for each other and then we cuddle on the couch and take turns reading our favorite books to each other. Whilst feeding each other chocolate cheesecake (thought I was gonna say avocado didn’t ya?)

……. Sorry got lost in a day-writing-dream for a minute. What was I talking about…………………

RUTS. That’s it. Got it.

So I’ve gotta get out of it. I mean I’m actually really trying. I just want things to move faster. I’m going about as fast as a Model T and I would love to catch up to all those people in the fast lane of life, driving Lamborghinis and Maseratis and whatever car it is that James Bond drives.

There are moments where I feel really good about myself. I feel confident about myself and my abilities. But then I screw up an interview or I say the wrong thing to someone I care about. Sometimes I’ll be talking to someone and I’ll feel incredibly boring. Then I find myself having to build my self confidence up again until I’m back to feeling like I can contribute to the world.

I wonder why cobwebs are called cobwebs. I wonder why people who finally get the thing they’ve been longing for take it for granted and lose it again. I wonder why believing in anything is so scary but believing in nothing is a relief for some people. I wonder why I’m so selfish sometimes. I wonder why green is a soothing color. And I wonder if I actually have the capacity to become who everyone else seems to think I can be.

I guess we’ll see. But until then I’ll do as this song I’m listening to suggests and “breathe, just breathe.”

An Aston Martin. I remembered. James Bond drives an Aston Martin.

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