I’m a bad sleeper. Sometimes it’s my own fault. I’ll be watching Netflix or reading or writing or talking to someone or just thinking. Or eating. Like earlier I inhaled twenty or so chicken nuggets and a glass of cherry limeade. Other times, no matter how hard I try, sleep eludes me. I’ll watch the hours pass. 2 AM. 3 AM. 4 AM. 5AM. It would get to six and the pitch black night would soften, fading away into dark blues. At this point I would be really restless, so I would go outside, closing the door quietly behind me.
Summer mornings are perfect. The birds chirp softly and the air is crisp, like biting into an apple. I would climb on my bike and peddle lazily, passing all the sleeping houses until I turned the corner out of my neighborhood and onto the sidewalk. I rode past the Dairy Ranch and AJ’s bar and the pet shop and the shady thrift store (which I was 87% sure stole my previous bike and stuffed it under a pile of flannel shirts and old Mariah Carey CD’s, never to be seen again.)
When I would get back home I was never tired, I was much more awake. And awake I remained until I would crash at some random point in the day, while trying to make toast or watch a movie or drink coffee or in the middle of a sentence.
I wish I could ride my bike this morning. Alas, my tires are both flat. I should have gone to bed hours ago, but I was feeling…. I dunno. Like I needed to write and make sense of my head. I keep going to try and write but I never finish anything. I would say that not finishing is my strong suit. I’m great at it. I’m also good at letting things go. But not good things like grudges or sadness or my mistakes, bad things like phone calls to my orthodontist or my dentist or the Secretary of State or even friends that I haven’t talked to in a while and then I feel like I put off talking to them for too long and now they have no interest in talking to me. I’ll put these things off until it’s too late.
What happens is I’ll put it off for a week and I tell myself I’ll do it next week. I’ll put it off for two weeks and then three and then in my head there’s a whole bunch of anxiety about calling and I think they’ll be mad at me for calling so late. So I do the exact opposite of what I should do and put it off even more. Before you know it people are sending you angry letters and you’re afraid to go to the library because you’re pretty sure they still have a price on your head because you never paid that uber large library fine and plus you stole a small stuffed moose from their childrens books display.
It all turns into extremely unnecessary stress that could have easily been avoided. We make mistakes and then learn from them, right? That’s the good thing about messing up; we learn a whole lot. So I’m trying really hard to work on all that.
I’m also working on letting good things go. Things that you really really want but can’t have. You have to learn to live without them, even when it seems like that’s impossible. To quote one of my favorite animated movies of all time, Lilo and Stitch, “Sometimes no matter how hard you try, things don’t work out the way you want them to. Maybe sometimes things have to change. And maybe sometimes they’re for the better.” I have a really hard time accepting that most days. For example the past few days, I’ve felt like doing nothing but eating strawberries and ice cream and watching Netflix and drinking unhealthy amounts of coffee.
But then there are times like right now where I see the sun coming up, literally and metaphorically, and I realize I have much more to be happy about than sad, and much more to look forward to than to dread. I get frustrated because I think why I can’t I just be positive all the time and not go through these bouts of depression. I have to remember not everyone is happy all the time. Sometimes you can’t just say, “Okay, I’m going to be happy now.” It takes time. We try and teach kids patience, but when we become grown ups, we usually don’t want to wait for anything.
I need to be patient. Patient with myself and patient with others.
It’s quite possible that I’m crashing right now. I should probably cram in as much sleep as possible. Au revoir.